


The Trojan Cactus

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [8]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Assassins, Bombs, Comedy, Condoms, Decorating, Dogs, Flowers, Gen, Iguanas, Lizards, Nosy Neighbours, Robin Lord Taylor character, Spiders, Tongue-in-cheek, Underwear, cactus, just kind of stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-04-24 21:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19181554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: The Administrator and John Wick add a plant to the decor of their apartment with unexpected results.





	The Trojan Cactus

**Author's Note:**

> The Eighth in a time diverting and admittedly stupid series.

One night, watching their brand new TV set, the Administrator noticed with mild annoyance, larger fear and ever growing dread that John Wick was eyeing the apartment with a dissatisfied gaze. The assassin's eyes were lingering on certain bare corners of the room.

"Don't you think a vase would..."

"No," the Administrator snapped.

"But wouldn't it be nice if we hung a..." Wick pointed to an empty wall.

"Not really," the Administrator hissed. The man in the glasses rolled his eyes and changed the channel.

This was the danger which befell them every time they lingered too long on the Home and Garden Television Network.

* * *

Wick became more and more restless as the days progressed. Eventually staring at the apartment they both shared, the Administrator conceded: with his expensive and well tailored suits, John Wick was the finest upholstered item in the place.

Something had to be done before the hitman started dressing up his damn dog to make the place more colorful. They'd been watching too much of the fashion network as well.

* * *

One Saturday morning, straight off of a shift at the High Table Administration Office, the High Table stamper grabbed John Wick and dragged him to the flower vendor's on the corner of the street two blocks down from where they lived.

"Pick a lousy plant and let's get out of here," the Administrator complained as he folded his tattoo ladened arms.

As Wick was examining some wilting orchids, the shopkeeper, her arms filled with marigolds, approached, the bureaucrat.

"Taking him out for a walk I see. Make sure he doesn't pee on the plants."

"That's my houseguest," the Administrator sighed as he corrected her.

"Oh," she murmured and hurried away.

Wick soon came and placed the chosen plant in the other man's arms.

"Fuck it" the Administrator exclaimed.

It was a cactus.

The High Table pencil pusher paid and they walked home. Wick kept casting suspicious glances behind him.

" _What_?" the Administrator asked looking behind them.

"I didn't like something about that flower seller," the assassin said. He turned back to look at the street ahead of him, his brows furrowed pensively.

"Well she did think you were my _dog_ ," the Administrator shrugged.

The stamper shifted the cactus in his arms. It was a good thing he was a masochist or he would have resented Wick giving him the task of carrying it home. "Why did you pick _this_ thing anyway?"

John Wick was the one to shrug now. "It was small, prickly and went well with the apartment. It reminded me of you."

The Administrator didn't know if he should be flattered or ram the plant up the assassin's ass. Not wanting to get his hands dirty, he chose the former.

* * *

The noise started around midnight. The Administrator was enjoying his night off sleeping peacefully in his bed.

Peacefully until John Wick appeared suddenly at the door, that was.

"There's a funny noise in the living room," Wick whispered.

"How funny?"

"Funny," Wick merely replied and disappeared.

The Administrator immediately got out of bed and followed the other man into the living room. When you worked for a secret underworld organization, and your houseguest was one of the most feared assassins the world had ever known, ignoring noises, no matter how funny they were, was always a poor decision to make.

On his way out the door, the man quickly grabbed his gun where it was hidden in a drawer.

Upon entering the living room, the Administrator heard what Wick had meant. It sounded like something somewhere was trying to get out. Both men's eyes rested on the cactus Wick had placed in the far left corner of the room.

" _No,_ " the Administrator said.

In a few seconds both men watched as a hole erupted in the top of the cactus and a few tarantulas started to crawl out.

" _I thought that was an urban legend_!" the Administrator screamed.

"Either it's true or your friendly neighbourhood flower vendor, not to mention assassin, took the time to stuff our cactus full of spiders!" John Wick said, pulling out his gun and shooting the venom carrying creepy pests.

He had finished off all the roaches in the apartment days ago and was looking forward to a little more practice.

The Administrator pulled out his gun from the pair of two underwear it had been wrapped safely inside.

"You keep your gun in your underwear?" Wick asked.

"In more ways than one," the Administrator replied.

Both men were firing, but with each one gone another soon appeared.

"We've got to block the hole!" the shorter man shouted.

John Wick looked around until his mind rested on an idea. Gun aimed and still firing, the assassin pulled out the condom he kept hidden in his pocket. It was heavy duty, extra jumbo and a large reason why Helen and he had remained childless for most of their marriage. He had been carrying around the last one for sentimental reasons. Now seemed like a good time to use it, although, he prayed it could stand the cactus spikes.

In balletic motion, the assassin ripped the condom package open with his teeth, ran to the cactus, and spreading the condom wide, placed it over the plant.

It worked.

The cactus stood their looking like an obscene statue of the Incredible Hulk's phallus.

The Administrator looked at it. Never had he wanted to be rid of the thing than in that moment: it no longer went with anything in the apartment.

"Out the window?" he asked John Wick.

"Out the window," Wick nodded.

Strapping a small grenade to the cactus, with the tarantulas still trying their best to escape, John Wick placed the whole thing inside one of the Administrator's spare pair of underwear and slingshotted it out the window. The underwear went with it. Both men watched as it exploded midflight; the whole thing resembled a lewd image of a man shooting off in his underpants. The falling debris landed on the friendly neighbourhood flower vendor, not to mention assassin, who had taken the time to stuff the cactus full of spiders and was watching her handiwork from the sidewalk below; she was killed almost instantly.

The Administrator walked over to the couch and collapsed. "Promise me you will _never_ redecorate again."

John Wick nodded.

The pencil pusher put his head in his hands as John Wick heard a knocking at the door and went to open it.

"So you nice young men are opening champagne huh?" Mrs. Milner the nosy and perverted woman who lived in the apartment below them said. "You're having a party or..."

Her eyes rested on the opened condom package on the floor and the Administrator's underwear.

She beamed. It was the happiest John Wick had ever seen her.

"I'll just let you boys continue what you're up to, hey?"

She walked away. John closed the door and came and sat down beside the Administrator on the couch; the High Table bureacrat was still holding his head as Toby his pet iguana walked by.

John Wick eyed the lizard for a moment before turning to the Administrator. "Do you think he'd fit into a Barbie doll dress?" the hitman asked.

The other man could only lift his head and shake it very slowly.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the craziest thing I've written since "Eupetisms" and I am so glad that, in all odds, neither Robin Lord Taylor nor Keanu Reeves read fanfic or I would be mortally embarrassed for the rest of my life. :/


End file.
